Quotes from yours truly

Poor Ninjabreadmom, she has her work cut out for her in taekwondo class with me. Exercise clearly cuts off some brain-to-mouth connections for me.

“I don’t even know why I’m here.” (Looking around, after skipping classes for two weeks)
“Wait, what are we doing again?” (Form, self-defense, exercise, pretty much all the time)
“Thanks for not internally decapitating me.” (Self-defense practice involving head twisting)
“Is my butt OK?” (Planking)
“Shit.” (A lot. During pretty much all cardio)
“I have no abs!” (Bicycle crunches)
“I’m starving!” (After class)

NaBloPoMo ~ Quotation

I’m starting my first NaBloPoMo today. There’s still time for you to do it too! 🙂

I don’t plan to follow the prompts every day, but I liked today’s query of favorite quotation and why.

I could list tons of those life things that get us all down, but if I had to pick the two things that come to mind the strongest when I read this quote, they are Depression and Infertility. I have experienced both separately and together. That is what rings in my mind as “wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow.”

But, these things are not all of life. Just to be here is, as she says, a grand thing, and so I try to post my Little Happy Things every so often to underscore this for myself and others.

Life is not only our huge struggles with the scary capital letters; it is all the tiny things we may not even think much about until our miseries kick us in the pants.

Life is roses, tender moments, a kind word. It is a bear hug, a conspiratorial wink with a child, a smile so big and true that your eyes nearly disappear. It is a warm pet sharing your bed, a hearty laugh with a friend, the smell of your favorite food cooking. It is being there for someone when they need you, and it is knowing that you also were blessed by your having done so.

And life is using our sorrowful things in a constructive way: To show someone they are not alone, that someone understands, and that in time they, too, will once again see living as a grand thing.

P.S. The presentation of my favorite quotation on my Royal Quiet De Luxe was inspired by desperately seeking {gina}, a fellow AWB blogger who also loves a vintage typewriter. 🙂

Q is for quotes

I love collecting quotes. While we must be authentic and have our own voice, other people’s quotes are a good jumping off point for inspiration, contemplation and commiseration.

“I saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and I could do anything I wanted.”‘ — Jack Kerouac, in The Dharma Bums

“In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. ” — Albert Camus

“What I can do, you cannot. What you can do, I cannot. But together we can do something beautiful for God.” – Mother Teresa

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.” – Agatha Christie

“We danced too wild, and we sang too long, and we hugged too hard, and we kissed too sweet, and howled just as loud as we wanted to howl, because by now we were all old enough to know that what looks like crazy on an ordinary day looks a lot like love if you catch it in the moonlight.”  — Pearl Cleage, in What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day

E is for e.e. and Emily

Edward Estlin Cummings was a 20th century American poet. He experimented a lot with punctuation, form and grammar rules. Often you will see his abbreviated name lowercased as e.e. cummings in the style of his poetry.

Here’s an excerpt from my favorite e.e. poem. Read the entire poem here.

Emily Dickinson was a 19th century American poet, often described as private and reclusive. She also used some interesting punctuation, namely long dashes. Earlier printings of her poems were often “cleaned up” to be punctuated properly, but more recent volumes return to her original writings to restore her style.

I have many favorite Emily poems, at least one already mentioned on this blog, but this is the one that did it for me, the first one I loved.

 

"I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog – 
To tell one's name – the livelong June – 
To an admiring Bog!"
- by Emily Dickinson

Who is your favorite poet?

*This post is part of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge 2012, on the theme of little things that make me happy.

Love in motion

I volunteer on Wednesdays at a community center in their soup kitchen. Sometimes I do other things to help out there too, but mainly I play waitress. We serve our guests restaurant style. We take their drink order and bring them utensils, then deliver a plate of food to their table. We greet them, ask how they are, chat with the ones who want to chat, smile at the ones who don’t. Some days it is very busy and the time passes in a blur. Other days you have more time to get to know people or to just take a slower pace. There are regulars and newcomers, old people and young, lot of children in the summer when school is out. For the most part everyone is polite and thankful.

Some days I stay after my serving shift and help with another project. The community center provides sacks of food through the area schools for children who are at risk of food insecurity to have something to eat over the weekends. We work in an assembly line, bagging fruit snacks, pudding cups, crackers, ramen noodles, grain bars and other snacks. I like doing this even though it is repetitive because we usually chat amongst ourselves and get to know the others who are helping out, and it is nice to know that what we are doing is helping a kid.

This week a local church I pass by often has their sign reading “Every person should go to church to get away from himself.” While I think it is great to go to church and all, I don’t really go a lot. Partly because of my work hours. But also partly because I haven’t found what I’m looking for yet.

I feel more like I think I should feel in church when I am serving food at the community center. If I had a sign maybe it would say “Every person should volunteer to get away from herself.” I know for sure that helping other people does wonders for my mood, and it sure gives me perspective for my problems.

There’s a sign at the center that says “Volunteers are love in motion.” I like to think that even if I can’t get it together religiously, at least my heart is in the right place.

The refrain of a song I learned in church long, long ago and that has been in my mind lately:
“Jesu, Jesu, fill us with your love, show us how to serve the neighbors we have from you.”

Real comfort

As I sit on my futon, enjoying a cup of coffee and a package of Swiss Cake Rolls, I must agree with Jane Austen: “There is nothing like staying at home, for real comfort.” I’m a bit giddy about my new single-cup coffee brewer. I really do not need to buy an electric coffeemaker for my house. Y’all do not want to see me (or read me) after I brew a whole pot of coffee late in the evening. For $3.25, I got this great mug-topping brewer that only makes a single cup. Oh, happy day.

So, tonight I write from the comfort of my home on my mini laptop, instead of on my iPhone app at Starbucks. This is really great because I am wearing stretchie pants and a workout top, and I have not taken a shower yet today. (I’m going to before bed, I swear, folks.) It is good that I am giddy about my coffee accessory, because honestly I am not cheerful about much else lately. Recovering from my surgery just keeps reminding me why I had the procedure, which just keeps reminding me that I still have no answers. I’m still as childless as I’ve ever been, now I just have a couple of teensy scars and not-so-teensy bills to pay. No new clues, no new hope. I’m wondering what Dr. S will say when I see him in a couple of weeks.If I had bazillion dollars, or super-awesome insurance, I’d jump right on over to Specialist Guy and tell him to hook us up with the works – treatment, testing, whatever. Or I’d take the bazillion dollars and go find a spiffy, fancy-pants lawyer and do a private adoption. But, having neither the bazillion dollars or insurance that covers IVF or medical proof of any problems besides irregular cycles, I still have to weigh my, albeit fewer, options. More IUIs, maybe with Femara? More IUIs, maybe with injectable drugs? A trip to see Specialist Guy anyway, but with our limited funds eliminating some treatment options? Take all this bullshit as a sign to stop and focus completely on public adoption? Take all this bullshit as a sign to give up entirely and live child-free? Sit outside and wait for a stork to make a delivery? So many cheery options.

I’ve also weathered two pregnancy announcements this week, one from someone pretty close to us. Obviously, I wish them well, but for me, it sucks. It is very confusing to be happy for someone and yet to be unhappy for yourself, for the same reason.

I have found a few new blogs to read recently, and that helps. Some of them I found by Googling “infertility is bullshit.” Yes, I really typed that into the search box. It was one of my lower moments.

I went back to work Thursday, and the only things that bothered me were still being a little tired and my jeans pressing on my belly button incision. Friday and today were my normal weekend, and I’ve kept it pretty low-key. I did about 40 minutes of yoga last night. Good Kitty joined me for savasana, which was initially irritating but then I decided to go with the flow. It turned out to be a really relaxing savasana laying belly to belly and feeling her purr. I kept the yoga poses basic and didn’t push myself.  I didn’t have any aching around my belly button, so I figure I’m pretty well good to go back to taekwondo next week. I’ll need to take it easy, I’m not “officially” cleared by my doctor, but screw that. Three weeks after surgery is way too long to wait. I really need that hour time slot a few times a week back into my schedule, not just physically but mentally. Today I walked to the library and back. It was windy and chilly, but I felt good about getting out and exercising for a bit.

During my surgery recovery week I emailed my contact for the adoption process to check in, only to receive an automated reply back that she hadn’t worked for the department since late November. Nice. The message included another person to contact, so I did. So, the update is: pretty much nothing. grrr. All our background checks are back, except the FBI one (which I knew because of the resubmitting fingerprints thing), and she is requesting a new copy of our criminal records check to send to the training academy because our other copy got sent in to the FBI. Apparently the training folks also need the big-ass questionnaires that we filled out in November but had not turned in yet because we thought those weren’t needed yet (That’s what I get for not bugging the previous person for more info I guess). So, I drove those forms and another one we’d already completed down to their office. I am hoping this means soon we will be hearing something about training, but I’m not holding my breath.

Back to real comfort… I’m signing off and popping a DVD into the player. Good Kitty, Bad Kitty and I are going to snuggle on the couch, under the soft and warm faux fur blanket that Alli gave me for Christmas,  and watch an Agatha Christie Poirot movie.

P.S. If anyone has gotten pregnant after laparoscopy (I’ve heard and read that it sometimes helps regardless of whether anything is found) or if you have similar stuff going on, please comment.