Real comfort

As I sit on my futon, enjoying a cup of coffee and a package of Swiss Cake Rolls, I must agree with Jane Austen: “There is nothing like staying at home, for real comfort.” I’m a bit giddy about my new single-cup coffee brewer. I really do not need to buy an electric coffeemaker for my house. Y’all do not want to see me (or read me) after I brew a whole pot of coffee late in the evening. For $3.25, I got this great mug-topping brewer that only makes a single cup. Oh, happy day.

So, tonight I write from the comfort of my home on my mini laptop, instead of on my iPhone app at Starbucks. This is really great because I am wearing stretchie pants and a workout top, and I have not taken a shower yet today. (I’m going to before bed, I swear, folks.) It is good that I am giddy about my coffee accessory, because honestly I am not cheerful about much else lately. Recovering from my surgery just keeps reminding me why I had the procedure, which just keeps reminding me that I still have no answers. I’m still as childless as I’ve ever been, now I just have a couple of teensy scars and not-so-teensy bills to pay. No new clues, no new hope. I’m wondering what Dr. S will say when I see him in a couple of weeks.If I had bazillion dollars, or super-awesome insurance, I’d jump right on over to Specialist Guy and tell him to hook us up with the works – treatment, testing, whatever. Or I’d take the bazillion dollars and go find a spiffy, fancy-pants lawyer and do a private adoption. But, having neither the bazillion dollars or insurance that covers IVF or medical proof of any problems besides irregular cycles, I still have to weigh my, albeit fewer, options. More IUIs, maybe with Femara? More IUIs, maybe with injectable drugs? A trip to see Specialist Guy anyway, but with our limited funds eliminating some treatment options? Take all this bullshit as a sign to stop and focus completely on public adoption? Take all this bullshit as a sign to give up entirely and live child-free? Sit outside and wait for a stork to make a delivery? So many cheery options.

I’ve also weathered two pregnancy announcements this week, one from someone pretty close to us. Obviously, I wish them well, but for me, it sucks. It is very confusing to be happy for someone and yet to be unhappy for yourself, for the same reason.

I have found a few new blogs to read recently, and that helps. Some of them I found by Googling “infertility is bullshit.” Yes, I really typed that into the search box. It was one of my lower moments.

I went back to work Thursday, and the only things that bothered me were still being a little tired and my jeans pressing on my belly button incision. Friday and today were my normal weekend, and I’ve kept it pretty low-key. I did about 40 minutes of yoga last night. Good Kitty joined me for savasana, which was initially irritating but then I decided to go with the flow. It turned out to be a really relaxing savasana laying belly to belly and feeling her purr. I kept the yoga poses basic and didn’t push myself.  I didn’t have any aching around my belly button, so I figure I’m pretty well good to go back to taekwondo next week. I’ll need to take it easy, I’m not “officially” cleared by my doctor, but screw that. Three weeks after surgery is way too long to wait. I really need that hour time slot a few times a week back into my schedule, not just physically but mentally. Today I walked to the library and back. It was windy and chilly, but I felt good about getting out and exercising for a bit.

During my surgery recovery week I emailed my contact for the adoption process to check in, only to receive an automated reply back that she hadn’t worked for the department since late November. Nice. The message included another person to contact, so I did. So, the update is: pretty much nothing. grrr. All our background checks are back, except the FBI one (which I knew because of the resubmitting fingerprints thing), and she is requesting a new copy of our criminal records check to send to the training academy because our other copy got sent in to the FBI. Apparently the training folks also need the big-ass questionnaires that we filled out in November but had not turned in yet because we thought those weren’t needed yet (That’s what I get for not bugging the previous person for more info I guess). So, I drove those forms and another one we’d already completed down to their office. I am hoping this means soon we will be hearing something about training, but I’m not holding my breath.

Back to real comfort… I’m signing off and popping a DVD into the player. Good Kitty, Bad Kitty and I are going to snuggle on the couch, under the soft and warm faux fur blanket that Alli gave me for Christmas,  and watch an Agatha Christie Poirot movie.

P.S. If anyone has gotten pregnant after laparoscopy (I’ve heard and read that it sometimes helps regardless of whether anything is found) or if you have similar stuff going on, please comment.

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