It’s time

It’s time to say the thing that I have been working towards saying. The thing that has been hard but has gotten slowly more bearable. The thing that this break was to decide. The thing that at first, every time I thought about it, evoked a few lines from that Macy Gray song: “I try to say good-bye and I choke, I try to walk away and I stumble.” The thought literally took my breath away. An oxygen-sucking panic.

It’s still hard, but I accept it now. There are so many things I want to do, to focus on, to put my mental and physical energy into. I know it’s not going to be a clean break, I’m still going to mourn a little, but the infertility fog has lifted and I am busting out of that tunnel of shittiness. I’m going to write more about this in coming days. I have some things I want to do to mark it, to “commemorate” it, if you will. But, for now…

No more fertility treatments or procedures. No more medical assistance. Not trying, but not not trying either. What will be, will be.

 

Clearly Macy isn’t singing about this specifically, but I think we can all draw some parallels here on the broader theme of trying to let go…

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6 thoughts on “It’s time

  1. My heart goes out to you… and can also feel myself edging towards saying the same words soon. Words that I also haven’t been able to say… without stumbling. Thinking of you during this difficult time and here for you every step of the way xoxo

  2. Here via LFCA. Those are hard words to say, and you are very brave to share them here. I’ve been forced by financial circumstance to say “no more” after 6 assisted cycles (IUI’s) and I think that hurt me personally more than if we had gone further, tried more, and THEN said “no more”. The lack of funds and insurance coverage made the decision for me and I’ve been trying to reconcile that ever since.

    I have always loved that Macy Gray song and never thought of it in terms of infertility, but a lot of it really does fit.

    Best of luck to you, thinking of you.

  3. Hi there. Found you through LFCA. I’m in a similar spot–will hopefully get on the Pill soon. It’s really difficult, but I’m glad you’ve been able to find some moments of relief.

    Your baby birds are adorable. 🙂

  4. Such a difficult decision. yet, at the same time, can give you a sense of having some control back over your life. Sending you peaceful vibes.

    Happy ICLW.

  5. Here from the Roundup. Your post made me look back when I was in the same space. Out of time, out of money, out of eggs. I was just plain “out”. It will feel a little weird, like you’re in limbo even though you have made a decision. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.

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