Thinkin’

I was chatting with a friend yesterday, and I found myself saying some things that I didn’t really know I was about to say. One of those things where you aren’t sure what is going on in your mind until you articulate it to someone else and realize the truths.

We were discussing my Friday appointment with Specialist Guy and how I wasn’t feeling very positive about it. In addition to the things I wrote here previously, I noted that I am tired of it all and that perhaps I have been neglecting the foster-to-adopt paperwork on purpose. Like I feel like this Friday appointment is something I have to do, but maybe I am waiting until after that to give myself permission to focus more on the adoption stuff.

I do realize that my appointment could go spectacularly and I could come out all rejuvenated and excited about the prospects. But yeah, I’m protecting myself by not expecting that. I’m tired of all this shit and tired of being let down. I know that the foster-to-adopt process isn’t going to be easy either, that there are a lot of annoying hurdles and the glacial pace of a government agency. But I am worn down about the prospect of more invasive stuff happening to my body, and my nerves are so raw with the failure of it all that I realize I may need to make the hard decision soon. I’ve been trying to keep my options open, but maybe it would be best to focus on just one. I am hoping my Friday appointment will clarify some of these things. It may present a new can of worms, but I reserve the right to decide whether to open it.

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