A funny TMI story

So, I’m not sure I’m ready to totally put it all out there, the things we have done so far in our trying-to-get-knocked-up journey. I mean, people I KNOW read this thing, for goodness sakes. LOL. Not to mention that Honey Bear might not want all our shit hanging out in cyberspace. However, in talking with a friend about how the hopefully-happening-next-week IUI stuff would work, I found out that the phrase “whack off in a cup” apparently is TMI, haha. Which of course reminded me of a story I will write about.

I am sure this is not a unique story, but it sure feels pretty dang odd when you’re the folks in it. When I first went to see Dr. S about the fertility stuff, one of the first things recommended was a semen analysis. I expected that, and from what I had read I knew that it was a good first test because it is the least invasive and there is no sense in doing a bunch of crazy stuff to the woman if the sperm are the problem. So before the Clomid, Metformin, Femara and HSG test, there was the semen analysis.

You’d think it would be simple enough, but there is actually planning involved. You don’t want the sperm to be too old, and yet you don’t want them to be too few either. So if you’re not reading between the lines here, there is a date by which ejaculation needs to happen and not again after that. See, planning. I participated in this planning by reminding, Lol. And purchasing a Playboy mag. (I wasn’t sure if we were going to have to provide the sample actually at the hospital or at home, so I figured a mag would help if things got weird, a la sterile hospital bathroom kind of weird.)

As it turned out, we lived close enough to the hospital that we were able to collect the sample at home. However, we lived far enough away that it made things interesting. The hospital people want the sample within a set time period. So even though I was able to send Honey Bear into the bathroom at our home with the Playboy (I never asked if it was used, I don’t need to know these sorts of things), we kind-of had to hurry after that.

The next part of this story is best pictured: Honey Bear driving really fast down the interstate. Me in the passenger’s seat with a specimen cup down my shirt between my breasts. To keep it body temperature. Keeping an eye on the clock to make sure too much time wasn’t passing. It was hilarious. I kept checking on the goods to make sure it wasn’t “melting” too quickly. We totally laughed so hard at the craziness of it all. After getting to the hospital and going to the appropriate room, I ALMOST felt a little crazy pulling that out of my shirt for the check-in lady, but not really. I figure they see that kind of shit all the time. If not, maybe I made her day. 😉

Aside from having a funny story to tell at parties, we also got good news: Semen analysis was within normal levels. Yay! Go, Sperm!


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